Some of our processes in life can be extremely lonely.

There comes a point in every person's journey when they finally tire of making decisions based on what will pacify those around them and start making decisions for themselves. This stage of growth in one's life comes with a backlash from others. When you have trained those around you to expect you to alter your decisions and life choices to their comfort, they don't respond well when you start making decisions for you that make them uncomfortable.

I am experiencing the pain of a lifetime of making decisions for others. These decisions were based out of my own deep fears of rejection and abandonment. But, I have reached the point in my life where I am no longer interested in being loved and accepted for what people want me to be and am ready to be loved and accepted for who I am....flaws, mess, and all.

It's funny to me because you think that in my quest for perfection I would have appeared more together. But, even in the midst of my perfection, part of that process was being the messy, needy friend for all those around me. The funny part is that at many times I had it more together than I would let myself expose because I wanted to be what the people around me needed me to be. It's not their fault. I am the one who censored, adjusted, and modified myself to be what I thought they could love and accept. But is that love at all? Is that acceptance? We can modify ourselves so much and then when people love and accept that modification, we feel unknown and alone because we have created something that is not us and then feel like no one knows the real us. Instead, why not be the mess or the put together person you are and let people love and reject in authenticity. That way you can be hated for what you are as opposed to loved for what you are not.

Keepin it real...or at least trying.

M