Some of our processes in life can be extremely lonely.
There comes a point in every person's journey when they finally tire of making decisions based on what will pacify those around them and start making decisions for themselves. This stage of growth in one's life comes with a backlash from others. When you have trained those around you to expect you to alter your decisions and life choices to their comfort, they don't respond well when you start making decisions for you that make them uncomfortable.
I am experiencing the pain of a lifetime of making decisions for others. These decisions were based out of my own deep fears of rejection and abandonment. But, I have reached the point in my life where I am no longer interested in being loved and accepted for what people want me to be and am ready to be loved and accepted for who I am....flaws, mess, and all.
It's funny to me because you think that in my quest for perfection I would have appeared more together. But, even in the midst of my perfection, part of that process was being the messy, needy friend for all those around me. The funny part is that at many times I had it more together than I would let myself expose because I wanted to be what the people around me needed me to be. It's not their fault. I am the one who censored, adjusted, and modified myself to be what I thought they could love and accept. But is that love at all? Is that acceptance? We can modify ourselves so much and then when people love and accept that modification, we feel unknown and alone because we have created something that is not us and then feel like no one knows the real us. Instead, why not be the mess or the put together person you are and let people love and reject in authenticity. That way you can be hated for what you are as opposed to loved for what you are not.
Keepin it real...or at least trying.
M
Monday, April 22, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
The harsh realities....
Ever have those days when you wake up pissed off at the world with little to no explanation of why you want to kick someone in the balls?
This is my blaring reality today.
I don't know why I am feeling so snarky and potentially dangerous to anyone who might DARE cross me. But, I pity the fool who would try and get in the way of any of my routine exploits this afternoon. I am ready for a grand bitch slap or a humiliating verbal undressing if any offender might happen to arise. So beware, those of you who might think today is the day to poke this bear.
In other news (probably coupled closely with my irritable demeanor), I am feeling a bit restless about life these days. Mind you, I am deeply thankful for the job, friends, and living situation I presently have, but, there is an itching inside that hasn't been present for awhile for something greater to be accomplished with this little light of mine. I don't know. Same struggle, different day?
SIGH.
It's the constant re-orienting of values and priorities that makes me so tired. To be great is to actually be less. To be rich is to actually be poor. To be on top is to actually take care of those on bottom.
What if I just want to be on top in the socially accepted way? What if I just want the spotlight and all it has to offer?
They say "it's loneliest at the top" but I can't imagine it's anymore lonely than where I am right now. I can be in a room full of people and still...I feel alone. Oh WELL! Chin up, smile on, keep it moving.
M
This is my blaring reality today.
I don't know why I am feeling so snarky and potentially dangerous to anyone who might DARE cross me. But, I pity the fool who would try and get in the way of any of my routine exploits this afternoon. I am ready for a grand bitch slap or a humiliating verbal undressing if any offender might happen to arise. So beware, those of you who might think today is the day to poke this bear.
In other news (probably coupled closely with my irritable demeanor), I am feeling a bit restless about life these days. Mind you, I am deeply thankful for the job, friends, and living situation I presently have, but, there is an itching inside that hasn't been present for awhile for something greater to be accomplished with this little light of mine. I don't know. Same struggle, different day?
SIGH.
It's the constant re-orienting of values and priorities that makes me so tired. To be great is to actually be less. To be rich is to actually be poor. To be on top is to actually take care of those on bottom.
What if I just want to be on top in the socially accepted way? What if I just want the spotlight and all it has to offer?
They say "it's loneliest at the top" but I can't imagine it's anymore lonely than where I am right now. I can be in a room full of people and still...I feel alone. Oh WELL! Chin up, smile on, keep it moving.
M
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Success...In My Own Terms
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
I love this mantra. In addition to quoting it often, I have a little picture frame with it collaged in the center. An old boss gave it to me accompanied with an encouragement I've heard often in my life, "Figure out what you want and go after your dreams, Michael. You have so much potential." Such musings have been showered over me as long as I can remember. These words, meant to be kindness and encouragement, after awhile can become an overwhelming pressure. Over the years, they'd heaped up on my shoulders and became a crushing weight that had, at times, seemed impossible to bear.
Could I ever live up to this "potential" I seemingly possessed?
Don't get me wrong. I appreciate encouragement as much, if not more, than the next guy. But, this word "potential" is where I developed my qualms. At what point does "potential" turn into "success"? When would I cross the line to which I was no longer just possessing the possibility of doing/being something meaningful and actually do or become something/ someone meaningful or great? And, who is the determiner of such things? Who decides when "potential" has turned into "success"?
Many people have different ideas of how success would be defined...I found interest in some of the following quotes on the matter.
“Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.” -Winston Churchill
“I want to define success by redefining it. For me it isn’t that solely mythical definition – glamour, allure, power of wealth, and the privilege from care. Any definition of success should be personal because it’s so transitory. It’s about shaping my own destiny.” -Anita Roddick
“It is the satisfaction of doing it for yourself and motivating others to work with you in bringing it about. It is about the fun, innovation, creativity with the rewards being far greater than purely financial.” -Richard Branson
Three different people and three different ideas of what exactly defines success. My favorite quote thus far, however, is by none other than Ralph Waldo Emerson. He breaks success down from a westernized way of obtaining all you can and climbing to the top, to a very basic, simply applicable idea for the common and extraordinary man.
“Success: To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!”
In summation, I'd like to say "thank you" to all who have encouraged me in my "potential" throughout the twenty eight full years I've lived thus far. I used to let this affirmation flow in one ear and quickly out the other but have grown to appreciate the perspective of others to see the gifts laying await within me. But, to the encouragers, the nay-sayers, and the objective alike I say, I not only possess potential, but success. In the eyes of a material obsessed, western culture (myself included), I look quite ordinary. But, I laugh often, sing loud, create with joy, express freely, and love much. In my perspective, that's more success than some will ever have.
So, before you start measuring your accomplishments with other's yard sticks, consider what matters to you. Consider who and what you value and make sure that your success is defined in your terms by what really matters to you as opposed to what matters to everyone else.
One step at a time,
M
I love this mantra. In addition to quoting it often, I have a little picture frame with it collaged in the center. An old boss gave it to me accompanied with an encouragement I've heard often in my life, "Figure out what you want and go after your dreams, Michael. You have so much potential." Such musings have been showered over me as long as I can remember. These words, meant to be kindness and encouragement, after awhile can become an overwhelming pressure. Over the years, they'd heaped up on my shoulders and became a crushing weight that had, at times, seemed impossible to bear.
Could I ever live up to this "potential" I seemingly possessed?
Don't get me wrong. I appreciate encouragement as much, if not more, than the next guy. But, this word "potential" is where I developed my qualms. At what point does "potential" turn into "success"? When would I cross the line to which I was no longer just possessing the possibility of doing/being something meaningful and actually do or become something/ someone meaningful or great? And, who is the determiner of such things? Who decides when "potential" has turned into "success"?
Many people have different ideas of how success would be defined...I found interest in some of the following quotes on the matter.
“Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.” -Winston Churchill
“I want to define success by redefining it. For me it isn’t that solely mythical definition – glamour, allure, power of wealth, and the privilege from care. Any definition of success should be personal because it’s so transitory. It’s about shaping my own destiny.” -Anita Roddick
“It is the satisfaction of doing it for yourself and motivating others to work with you in bringing it about. It is about the fun, innovation, creativity with the rewards being far greater than purely financial.” -Richard Branson
Three different people and three different ideas of what exactly defines success. My favorite quote thus far, however, is by none other than Ralph Waldo Emerson. He breaks success down from a westernized way of obtaining all you can and climbing to the top, to a very basic, simply applicable idea for the common and extraordinary man.
“Success: To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!”
In summation, I'd like to say "thank you" to all who have encouraged me in my "potential" throughout the twenty eight full years I've lived thus far. I used to let this affirmation flow in one ear and quickly out the other but have grown to appreciate the perspective of others to see the gifts laying await within me. But, to the encouragers, the nay-sayers, and the objective alike I say, I not only possess potential, but success. In the eyes of a material obsessed, western culture (myself included), I look quite ordinary. But, I laugh often, sing loud, create with joy, express freely, and love much. In my perspective, that's more success than some will ever have.
So, before you start measuring your accomplishments with other's yard sticks, consider what matters to you. Consider who and what you value and make sure that your success is defined in your terms by what really matters to you as opposed to what matters to everyone else.
One step at a time,
M
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